Let them Be - The Concept of Letting People Perceive Differently when You Know You Have Good Intention
This is, more of my own manifesto of a blog post. For almost a year, I almost always being perceived very differently especially from others who do not know me well, yet they are already making narratives to fill their own story.
This is, a story of me, enduring in a toxic workplace environment. I am, like many others, trapped in a system where I can't just leave my job very soon. Because I would have done it in the beginning if I could.
I'm one of the lucky person whose first experience in a job in Game Development is very supportive and positive. It was a small team, my coworkers were very respectful and we trusted each other that we can do it and we were disciplined enough. And I had a chance to lead the project and be part of the game artist even. To the point titles are just something to fill the Resume/CV; What matters to me is that I helped the project through than a job title.
Our boss even would say to not take overtime as a lifestyle, and he would say to report to the Producer if they could take over time then gets approved. It was 3 years contract work until the end. I even still contacted my former coworker and we became friends even when we parted ways.
With my current job however, in a corporate setting, this is not the case. This is, my first time experiencing office politics. It's super exhausting and not worth my time.
Many times, my supervisor would make a whole new narratives because I simply did not want to make overtime becoming a lifestyle, that I have better work boundary. That I would still work on my pace even my supervisor yelled at me for being "too slow" when I just started working for less than few months. That I'd get shamed for asking questions that seemed "basic" to my supervisor.
Mind you, I'm learning in the new field as I go. And I already have been doing it even in Game Devs
This is also a feeling I got from others that, people think that I struggle because this is not "my passion" job. Well, flash news everyone! Gamedev job is still a job because I still have to work for others that I don't do whatever I want in the work! Of course I cannot blame them because it's the narratives that's been seep through them because that's what the system want you to think.
During the feedback session? Look, I don't mind feedback but I've caught my own supervisor to exaggerate my mistake and make a new story of it. But the point still stands that I made a mistake. I'd like to believe that's what my supervisor subconsciously do, but it's always "shame" that is seeping through the corporate culture.
It does irked me when people make a new narratives even if it leads to similar conclusion, it gives a different context. This is not easy to report to the manager too, especially under the system that thrived in this culture
To the point where I had this realization:
Maybe, if this is not in my control, then I don't have to do the same. Then so be it. Make a story as much as they wanted, while I would make the art and product I care about to my own community.
This is not the matter of proving my supervisor wrong, or anyone really.
This is, my way to trust my gut that I can do better outside this toxic system, that I am so much more than this machinery system.
If I truly believe that I have done well about what I can, despite the system and others who didn't know me, then so be it. I make my own dictionary and meaning of go through life, not in the lens of capitalism.
I do not want capitalism lens rewrite the dictionary meaning of my own way of living
I hope you enjoy my Manifesto, and spontaneous writing of a blog! I'll see you on the next one!